I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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