Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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