I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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