absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Woke up backwards on a recliner
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
