too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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