I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
