Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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