the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize