I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize