I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
