You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
