the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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