wanna go halves on a baby?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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