yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
