Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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