I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
