Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize