i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
