If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
