News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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