what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
