Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
