he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
