u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
