i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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