she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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