I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
