If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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