Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
