Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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