I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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