***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The air was thick with penises
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
