I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
