It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
