I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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