u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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