Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
