I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
