What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
