At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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