you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
