if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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