I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
