My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
