I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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