I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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