i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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