apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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