You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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