I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just pee around me
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
