dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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